To Have or Not To Have!

Rock or Country? Indian or Continental? Beach or Mountain? One kid or two?

Aurko alone with his bunny!

There is a tug of war going on in my head from the past few months, and I tried to keep it private hoping to find some clarity. As you can see, this whole privacy business is clearly not peeling any potatoes for me.

Hence, here I am pondering aloud about my mental maraca (read brain) which is filled with soft baby images. No, the images are not of a toddler, it’s of a tiny pink little pea-sized infant. Yes, I am going INSANE.

Weird as it may sound, it actually seems like a bigger life-decision to have a second child than whether to have one at all. In the time, when more and more people are opting for single child or choosing to have no children—especially working women—is this craving for another baby out of place? The biggest question we (me and my partner) are facing is the timing. I am just finding my feet back on the ground after the chaos of infancy and toddlerhood; my career is finally taking a shape. OK, so I am still not making six-figure salary but I do have a career, and I am enjoying it!

Should I forsake everything again to be changing diapers instead? Ideally, the time would be right when baby-1 starts proper school, I start freelancing, hubby buys an SUV, we move into a bigger house, and all that before I reach forty and travel to five countries.

Now who can beat that check-list!

I had a breezy first-pregnancy but somewhere deep-down I am still not able to shake this overwhelming fear of starting from the scratch. From pregnancy to middle of the night feedings, am I ready to do it all over again? Conversely, the feel of my changing body, intoxicating baby-smell, chubby cheeks and the whole process of infancy is too strong a feeling to put down.

What about baby-1? How will he handle having a little brother or sister? How will he react? Will he be jealous? On the other hand, who will my little man turn to when we are dead? Can friends and relative replace the bonds siblings share?

Phew, I don’t know! I am as confused as when I started writing this post. How about you? How many kids do you hope to have? Have you had a hard-time deciding on whether to have a second-baby or not?

Do share it with me and ease my running thoughts by writing on comments.

A gang of three sounds like such fun! Here's a picture of my nieces and nephew!
A gang of three sounds like such fun! Here’s a picture of my nieces and nephew!

A version of this post was published in Women’s Web website as my article, you can check it HERE.



7 thoughts on “To Have or Not To Have!

  1. Greatly candid ! I really like your style. Very direct, unpretentious, uncannily honest. As to the issue discussed, I can only share my own story and what I have learnt. I had my first child after a lot of painful back and forth debate, internal and external. And after letting go the notion that I would not ever have kids or even marry. Then after a 7 year gap I had the second baby. Because somewhere I realised that though I had let go of the no-child notion, I could not accept the only child notion for my baby boy. Or see myself lifelong as mother of only one child. And most importantly, I wanted a girl child. There was no guarantee of that, but it was a possibility. At least I would have tried. Not lived with regrets. And anyway the two child thing was what my inner voice told me again and again. Nothing in my life was ready for it. I had a complicated 1st childbirth, the career was peaking, we were just getting comfortably settled financially….but in one meditation class, the answer just welled up from somewhere that felt so pure and powerful. So I went for it. In the face of everything. I also was reaching the mid 30s…the window of opportunity was fast going to close. I said will it matter to me when I am sixty or 50 that I had two kids or so much money or such and such career accomplishments….and the answer was clear. I am a relationship and love junkie, and home, family, parenting to me are some of the most challenging love contexts to be in. So I said, lets bring it on and play the game with all I can give. So all I can say is let your inner voice tell you. And if you are not sure what that voice is saying, get to that place where you can hear it. Seriously. Put the question in all sincerity to the universe and let it go. Then sit in a quiet place, make quite your mind and then listen for what comes up. Let me know…..


    1. Kiran,
      Have you any idea how many times I’ve read your comment since yesterday? At least 1000s. Thanks for sharing your story its quite similar to mine, and came at a time when I am desperately seeking some advice and inspiration. Like you I am also relationship and love junkie, and I can’t wait to embrace motherhood a second time.

      Your last few lines simply lit me up and made my heart sing with inspiration!
      Thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

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